This is the last year of the Lenten sermon series on “respectable sins” that I began my first winter here. The whole series was inspired by Jerry Bridges book Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate. Once again, I commend this book to you. It is filled with great information, insights, thoughtful reflection and helpful advice on recognizing, acknowledging, confronting, and overcoming the sins we like to think are small sins or even don’t think of as sins at all. This week we address impatience and irritability.
In his chapter on Impatience and Irritability, Jerry defines impatience as “a strong sense of annoyance at the (usually) unintentional faults and failures of others.” He defines irritability as “the frequency of impatience, or the ease with which a person can become impatient over the slightest provocation.” I don’t know about you all, but I have all too great a familiarity with both of those sins. I know them well from both sides – being one who has been impatient and irritable and being one on the receiving end of impatience and irritability. I would be quite surprised if there is anyone here unfamiliar with those sins from both sides. Even those who sit among us and seem the most patient, loving, kind people may not always be that way. If you have always been patient and kind, never been irritable, please feel free to take a nap now while I talk to everyone else. But if you’re among those of us who have experienced impatience and irritability in our own lives, you might want to exercise a little patience by postponing your nap….
One of the ironic things that Jerry Bridges point out in his book is that the ones we are often the most impatient and irritable with are those closest to us. Of course Jerry is neither the first nor the last to notice this strange phenomenon. There are even songs that indicate this widespread tendency, notably one titled “You always hurt the ones you love…” Now while the concept in the title is spot on, the lyrics of that particular song are not the best example of how to do better – it’s basically one big long excuse for having hurt someone by explaining that this is a sign of deep love. It’s a dishonest premise. But there is a ring of truth in the general concept of the song. We do always hurt those we love. And it’s not because it’s inevitable due to the actions of the ones we love. It’s because of our own sinfulness, our own inability to live out the love we have 24 hours a day seven days a week. None of us are truly saints and we all get impatient and irritable from time to time.
That’s been one of the hardest things for my dear husband to accept about me. He comes from a different tradition where clergy is considered somehow different from other people; better, more holy. For those of you who are inclined to agree with him, you might not want to hear what I’m about to say, but that is simply not true. Pastors, priests, religious leaders of all kinds are actually people. Regular, run of the mill, garden variety people. We have faults and flaws, good days and less good days, times we do well and times we stumble just like everyone else. Hopefully we manage to set a good example anyway, but sometimes that is more by willingness to admit our faults and seek forgiveness than by not having them at all. In fact, if anything, being a pastor has served to make me more aware of just how very flawed I am.
Now I generally try not to brag, but I have to say that I think I may well be the person I know who is absolutely, positively, hands-down the best at some things. Unfortunately, two of those things seem to be impatience and irritability. I do those really well. Oh, sure, I try not to let impatience and irritability get the best of me all the time, but I am definitely a pro at both. If you don’t believe me, ask my dear husband. Though I’d really prefer you don’t. He might just tell you.
Despite the fact that I have just shared with you that I am really, really good at impatience and irritability, they are not things I want to be good at. In fact, I’d really much prefer to be terrible at both. Neither is exactly a Biblical attribute to be longed for. Both are pretty much the polar opposite of behaving the way Jesus calls us to behave, the polar opposite of loving behavior toward God and neighbor. I’ve prayed for help in gaining greater patience. And since God hears and answers all prayers, I know He answered mine. Of course, God seems to have answered my prayers for increased patience and decreased irritability with lessons in patience like getting stuck in traffic and calling me into a vocation where irritability is simply an unacceptable response 100% of the time. Divine irony, I suppose. And exactly what I probably need the most, but want the least.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to wander the world like some kind of pastoral version of Gregory House – that oh-so-rude and unfiltered doctor on television who doesn’t appear to care about the feelings of others. I want to be patient and not irritable. But when I pray for patience, I really would prefer the actual stuff over lessons in patience – and I’d like to receive it as quickly as possible. I don’t recall praying for the opportunity to learn patience through a seemingly innate ability to choose the slowest checkout line when I am in the biggest hurry or to have a knack for managing to book the air travel with the greatest number of delays.
However, lessons are how God teaches us. We are not promised a wide and easy road to heaven. Instead we are warned from the very beginning that the path is narrow and difficult. So it should come as no surprise that we will be given many, many chances to learn the hard way when we choose to ignore the instructions.
Oh yes. God gave us instructions. He gave us instructions in the words of Peter, who tells us to “love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” But Peter doesn’t just leave it at that. He gives us concrete ways of being loving to each other, telling us both what to do and what not to do. Provide hospitality, but do it without grumbling. Use the gifts God gives not for selfish gain, but to enrich the lives of others. Speak as if we not only know God is with us, but try to speak the words we believe God would speak. Use not only your own power, but even the extra power God gives to serve not self, but others. That’s a pretty tall order, but it’s biblical. And imagine what a lovely world we would be living in if we were all able to follow those instructions all the time. First of all, we’d be too exhausted to waste energy on being impatient or irritable. Plus, we’d be focused on the good things in the world, not on our own petty issues. We’d be loving our neighbors. And in loving our neighbors, maybe we’d be a little better at loving ourselves, too.
See, I don’t know about you, but I take Paul’s words on love seriously and pretty literally. I do believe that love is patient and kind. And when I am not being patient and kind, I am not being loving. I want to be loving. Being not loving makes me feel really lousy. Now my own feelings of lousiness are not the main point, but it sure is easier to love myself if I’m not feeling lousy about myself. And Jesus did say we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. So we are supposed to manage to love ourselves. I can’t say I’m too good at loving myself when I’m feeling jealous or self-serving; when I find myself holding a grudge or failing to trust. None of that feels good and, as anyone who has ever felt somewhat less than good, it’s sure hard to be patient when you’re feeling bad.
And it’s not possible to make up for the bad stuff by doing good stuff. We can’t cancel out bad behavior and earn brownie points with God by doing good works. That’s what Paul is saying in the beginning of his passage on love. It doesn’t matter if I’m a pastor or a ditch digger, if I can explain all the finer points of theology to folks or am the most spiritually disciplined person on the planet. It makes no difference if I give every blessed thing I’ve got to help others and even die a martyr, giving up my life itself. If I do all those things without love – without being loving – none of them matter. The words from my mouth become mere noise and not only am I nothing, but I gain nothing. It’s not about the acts alone, but about the love behind the acts that matter. Works are important, sure. We are known by our fruits. But works done without love are just as dead as faith without works.
So I try again and again to be more patient and less irritable – to be kind and loving, to forgive the hurts and wrongs I perceive, to protect and trust and hope and persevere even when hope itself seems hopelessness. And when I fail at my effort, as we all do from time to time, I try to apologize and admit my faults, to seek the forgiveness of God and of whoever has borne the brunt of my lack of faithfulness. I try to take responsibility for having behaved not as a mature person of faith, but as the child whose ways I am supposed to have put behind me. When I have calmed down from failing at patience and behaving irritably, I try to refocus on Paul’s words of love and remember that one day I will really get it, but that I have to be patient until that day comes. I try to forgive myself, though that is often the hardest, because I am even more impatient with myself than with anyone else, despite the fact that I know that I will never really get it right in this lifetime. That’s what Paul means when he talks about knowing in part now but knowing in full later on. But I try to hold onto hope that I will do a little better next time – that I will hold onto the lessons of the past instead of repeating the same mistakes over and over. Those are some biblical ways we can all use to try to deal with our own impatience and irritability.
But what are we to do when we are on the other side, when we are the receivers of impatience and irritability? Too often we react with similar behavior – getting puffed up with indignation and lashing out at the one who has hurt us. As Bridges points out, “This approach is not only nonproductive, it is totally unbiblical.”1 He suggests that we have two options that are both biblical and potentially productive. The first is to basically turn the other cheek. Not easy, but certainly biblical. The other is to speak the truth in love, but as Bridges points out, this must be done at a time when the storm has calmed and in a way that doesn’t accuse, but shows love. And your motivation is important, too. Jerry writes that this is to be done only after “you have resolved the issue in your own heart and can speak to the other person for his or her benefit, not just to make your own life more pleasant.”2 He also points out that if your effort to speak the truth in love is less than successful at improving things, you are back to option 1 – turning the other cheek. So it’s not an easy thing to deal with when others are impatient and irritable with us. But it is certainly a good lesson in the last part of being loving according to Paul’s description. It is a good reminder that in the end, faith, hope, and love abide. Abide as in continue without end, no matter what we do. Because all three of these come as gifts from God and God never wearies of giving and God never runs out of gifts. And God never gives up on us, even when we might give up on ourselves.
Impatience and irritability are tough faults to overcome, and we may never get it perfect in this lifetime, but if we try to live out the words of Paul and Peter, we stand a much better chance of living a life that is loving to God and neighbor. Since Jesus said those are the greatest commandments, it seems worth the effort to at least try. So do what you need to do – speak the truth in love, turn the other cheek, exercise greater patience, apologize when you mess up, and remember that other people have flaws and sins, just like you, despite the best intentions. Perhaps remembering that will make it just a little easier to be less irritable and a little more loving. Amen.
- Jerry Bridges, Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate (NavPress: Colorado Springs, Colorado 2007) p.118.
- Ibid. p. 119.